My Battles with myself!

Are you being over-worked?

One of the ways to self-empowerment is to recognize that perhaps you're being asked to do more than your regular hours on a recurring basis, because you've failed to stand up and say "It's not okay". Perhaps the battle of empowerment here is won first in your own mind. To recognize that your work-life balance is off-balance! And that time doing over-work is time away from your family, from your me-time, from much needed exercise, or much needed distance to gain perspective.

Many people battle with their "People-pleasing nature" in that way. They don't want to say No. They want to be amenable, to please. Some believe being a Yes-person comes with rewards, promotions, etc. And sometimes that is true. But when does People-pleasing become self-sabotage instead of self-investment?

If you're in a situation where you've won the battle with yourself that you need to say No, as a way of self-care, then you have to win the battle of telling it to your employer. But usually, this battle is far easier that you made it out to be in your own head. The right words, the right tonality, with the right employer will give you back your loss of time. And Yes, once in a while with the not-so-right employer, it will mean asserting yourself in the right way; Highlighting the values that you bring to the Company or Team will paint the picture in a better way, than asserting yourself purely through a battle of wills.

Either way, the harder battle is with your own mind, your own imaginings, and your own nature.

If you've never believed that we bully ourselves in order to please others, to be liked, to not be thought of as anything but helpful, it's time to reassess. Your best friend is always the friend who takes account of the entire picture, not just the future, and not just your work, but your health (spiritual and physical), the health of your relationships, and your time to devote to your passions.

Comment below if recently you've had one such battle with yourself, and how did you fare? Does reading this highlight it as something you really need to get a handle on? Or remind you of a promise you made to yourself which you've let slip.

NB. You only get this because you're on my subscription list or you're on my website. (One of the many benefits of subscribing)

Every bullying situation is different and a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach can tailor how you deal with your bully with you, in a way that empowers you and in a way that you can action.

Subscribe to the plethora of content we have in store for you at the bottom of the home page. Click our logo to get you to the home page.

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Michael Franklin is a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach, utilizing elements from the worlds of Acting, Psychology and Body Language to help sufferers of the effects of bullying develop the skills needed to rid themselves of their bully problem.

The roles we play in an interview

With all the information out there on what we should and shouldn't say during an interview, it's easy to believe that conforming to the 'experts' advice' is the recipe for doing well in a job interview.

I'd like to come at it from a different angle.

Several years ago, I went to an interview during which the interviewers managed to convince me, that they were arrogant, entitled, condescending and on top of that didn't pay very well at all. And I realized in an instant that I didn't want that job.

What then happened inside me was I played hard to get in my own head, and how this materialized in the interview was, I started asking the interviewers questions.

A young man, around half my age was to be my new boss, and his boss was around my age. The young man turned to his boss and said, "I feel like I'm being interviewed" and I responded, "Well you are." Needless to say that didn't go down well with him, and I walked out with my head high feeling I just did something right by myself, and that's recognizing that if something's not the right fit, the worse thing I could do is suffer the condescension and devaluation I knew I would receive by playing ball, deceiving myself and them, and accepting the job.

I took that attitude to my next few interviews and found myself a job with almost twice that salary in very little time.

Now if you're reading my articles/blogs, you know that I'm going to tie this in with bullying at some point.

We all need to work, to pay our bills, to have the things we want and need, and to have a better quality of life. That's a given.

But what if our quality of life takes a downturn, because of our work? Because we recognize that the people we're spending most of our time with, lack the humanity, or humility, or respect, that we might expect from people who, let's face it, don't know us, and are making assumptions about us, which by the way is not a reflection of us, but of them!

Knowing our own value comes down to our choices. Choose to deceive ourselves, the interviewer, and let him deceive you, or choose to be completely honest with yourself, and be mindful of where the interviewer's words don't add up, asking next level questions to become certain.

The interview is an interesting phenomenon

The interview is an interesting phenomenon, in that it is a life-changing event for many. A new job can bring about major life changes, financially, attitudinally, socially, and on our time-bandwidth.

When we accept a new job, either we are moving from one job to the new job, or we're moving from no job to a new job, and many of our habits, our beliefs (Yes), experiences, expectations will change as a result of the people with whom we will be associating.

So, it's worth considering what we're getting ourselves into when we go to that interview. Conduct ourselves appropriately, and we may get the job (even if in hindsight getting that job is not the best thing for us). Conduct ourselves inappropriately for getting the job, and we won't get the job (even if we're the right person for that job). Most people focus on the latter.

Very few of us consider a job as being a bad thing (the former), and that's because when we go into an interview, we really have no idea about the culture of the business, the environment we're getting ourselves into, other than the face that is represented by the Brand, and that which is presented to us, by the building, the interviewers, and any testing or assessment that we're put through.

…the assessment is the greatest ego-distractor

In fact the assessment is the greatest ego-distractor. We're so busy trying to prove our worth to the employer, and doing well in said assessment becomes so important to us and our ego, that we will almost forgive any shortcomings on the employer's part, as long as they praise our assessment and our capabilities.

We get blind-sided by the offer post-assessment, believing that if they have high regard for me, they're good people and they recognize a good thing when they see one. So we attribute that to their having good judgement, and good values.

This is a fallacy. They need you. And if you're the best person they've interviewed and you're offered the role, it doesn't mean that they are good for you. Not necessarily.

After that interview mentioned above, I went for another interview. The interviewer was inexperienced at interviewing. I noticed that right away. She asked me questions like "Where do I see myself in 5 years time?" You know, the sort of questions you might have been asked at an interview in the 1980's, if you reader are old enough to have interviewed in the 80s. Anyway, this interviewer did not smile. Not once. And I said to myself, I need to know if this person's got a sense of humour if I'm going to spend all day with this person. The questions continued, "What are your strengths?" By the time we got to "What are your weaknesses?", I'd had enough. Something drastic needed to happen to get this woman to loosen up.

"Chocolate!" I retorted!

"Chocolate?" she confirmed?

"Yes, get me some chocolate, and I go weak at the knees. I can't help myself"

A little smile appeared at the corner of her mouth. She tried to stifle it, but the more she tried the more the smile turned into a laughter. Soon it was a full-blown out-loud laughter that she could not contain, for love or money. It became infectious and soon I was laughing with her.

"No, seriously" she said, before the laughter took over again.

I added "Seriously? Strawberries". That made her laugh even harder. We had a good laugh. When I got home that evening there was already a message on my voicemail saying "They loved you. You got it" from the Employment Agency.

I called the agent and told them why I couldn't accept the job (11-hour days was expected, which for the money was poor.)

Soon after I found a much better job, with better work-life balance because I didn't take this one.

So let's talk about bullying for a moment. The minute we decide to deceive ourselves, and some employer about how right we are for a job (deceive if and only if it's not a good match), we open the door to accepting some altered version of reality in our own minds about the conditions of the job. And if the employer really wants us, they will conspire in that deceit so that we accept the job. That's human nature.

Part of bullying-prevention is not putting ourselves in a situation where we feel we are not going to be valued, or we are going to get taken advantage of, or our time is going to be entirely taken up by the work to the extent where we are going to be over-extended on a long-term basis and potentially even develop an illness.

This is not the sort of thing that is spelled out during an interview. However, by asking the right questions, there's much that we can glean in clues, that will enable us to ask next level questions.

Part of not finding ourselves 1 or 2 years down the road in an impossible situation where we're unhappy, and asking ourselves how we ended up in this situation, with these people, stems from knowing what we want, and going to that interview not with the sole purpose of landing 'that' job. But with the greater purpose of landing a job that is going to not only serve our financial needs, but our needs to grow in our job, our needs to grow in our relationships outside of work, and our need to decompress and find valuable me-time. Time that reasserts to us that we're doing all this for ME, because we have Self-Love.

When I look back at how unprepared I was as a young kid leaving University, looking for my first job as a graduate, I realize that our schooling system prepares us to be good employees. Obedient order-takers, who play the game, conform, don't make waves. Individuality is not taught, not to mention, not encouraged.

We are individuals

But we ARE individuals. At the end of the day, there are things that we want and need just for us. Not for our sons, daughters, husbands, wives, partners, mothers, fathers, employers. Just for us.

And recognizing that that need cannot go unfulfilled without losing some aspect of ourselves along with it, is the difference between leading a happy life, and leading one where we constantly settle!

NB. You only get this because you're on my subscription list or you're on my website. (One of the many benefits of subscribing)

Every bullying situation is different and a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach can tailor how you deal with your bully with you, in a way that empowers you and in a way that you can action.

Subscribe to the plethora of content we have in store for you at the bottom of the home page. Click our logo to get you to the home page.

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Michael Franklin is a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach, utilizing elements from the worlds of Acting, Psychology and Body Language to help sufferers of the effects of bullying develop the skills needed to rid themselves of their bully problem.

Failure, Comparison, Acceptance and Bullying!

I'd like to start by talking to you about failure. At least what we call failure in our own minds, or what we believe other people's definition would be of a failure.

Many times we forget that we're on our own learning path. It's a fact that we learn different lessons at different times to other people.

So while some people have already learned the lesson we're currently learning, those same people may not have learned the lessons we've mastered years ago.

So with the understanding that we're all on our own path, spiritually, mentally, our physical development, our emotional development, our ethics, our morals, our vulnerability, the list goes on and on, there's something we're all guilty of and that is...

Comparing ourselves with others. Comparing our achievements with others, comparing our street cred with others, comparing our finances with others, comparing the quality of our friends with others, right down to comparing the dishes in our kitchen with others, and this list goes on and on too.

If we can accept that we’re on different paths…

If we can 'accept', yes ACCEPT that we're on different paths, that we value different things to others deep down, and what motivates others does not motivate us to the same degree, then the whole concept of comparison becomes a pointless exercise.

I've often seen school to be the place where this comparison journey begins. And this is just because our society hasn't developed enough to realize that comparison sets all but the very people to whom we're being compared on a path for feeling inadequate, for feeling like we're failing or have failed. But I'll go further than that. It doesn't help the people we are being compared to either, if they feel untouchable, invincible, unbreakable, arrogant and therefore unable to grow in areas where they have room for growth.

This often happens to people who are successful in one area, and others treat them as if they are successful PERIOD!

Take the adoration some movie stars receive. Or Sports stars. When these people let it go to their heads that they are something other than what they are, the door to their development gets shut a little further. Conversely, when things are not going so well, and they're not receiving the adoration they were accustomed to, they start comparing themselves with the people who ARE getting all the accolades right now.

Many Hollywood starlets start looking into Botox or plastic surgery, because they begin to compare themselves physically to the young ingenue that is up and coming. And suddenly they don't feel attractive any more. They might be more attractive than their younger years right now, but if they don't see that when they look into a mirror, that's the Devil of comparison at work!

So the whole thing comes back to accepting the place we are, in our journey, and accepting that we are on different journeys.

Imagine the street punks that pull up beside you at the traffic lights wanting to race you. But you're not going where they're going. Your journey has a different starting point and more likely different destination. It just happens that at some point in the middle of your journey you cross paths with these persons at a stop light.

The need to race is about where the street punks are at on their current path. When you have no such need to race, because it's not, or no longer your path, 'accepting' where you are is a sign of maturity, of growth, of self acceptance and of self love. And accepting to race means you cannot win. If you lose the race, you'll feel badly about yourself for having lost that race. And if you win, it wasn't something you were looking for. It wasn't something that was important to you. So what did you actually win, if it brought you nothing but a momentary stroke of your Ego? No, you actually lost yourself to your Ego momentarily.

Who is in charge? You or your Ego?

Some people spend many years on this Earth, learning that lesson!

Returning to the topic of school as the place this begins, many people say "Well, they have had the same time you've had. The conditions are exactly the same for this person as it is for you. Therefore if they can do it, you can do it!"

"What a load of Codswallop!"

...I've always felt. Some people learn better visually, some learn better via auditory techniques, some learn better in applied settings such as on a school trip, others learn by reading. Some people have confidence issues which puts them on a different footing than those for whom confidence in a particular subject is not an issue; some people's parents talk about that subject giving their children an advantage as the subject is a frequent topic of discussion at home. For others it's the furthest thing from their reality. So conditions are seldom, if ever equal.

Yes, it's good to compete and surprise yourself and see what you can do when you apply yourself. But if you compete and look at your performance as a failure, that is a sign of comparison. The failure is only a failure depending on what you're comparing it to.

So how does this come into play with bullying?

I think you'll see where I'm going with this. Your bully is on their path. You're on your path. Your bully sees it as a sign of weakness, or cowardice that you're not on their path. They want to force you to recognize the importance of wanting what they want in some instances, or playing the game they're playing, or something being as meaningful to you as it is to them.

But it isn't! Because you're on different paths.

The person who recognizes and accepts that, is not troubled by a bully who tries to force the issue of comparison on them. Their Ego isn't excitable by words of daring, comparison, or challenges, or by fear of name-calling.

Next time you start to approval-seek, ask yourself this question:

Am I accepting my own journey?

And if you believe the answer is Yes, test it further.

How much is the person whose approval you're seeking, succeeding in getting you to compare yourself with something, or someone?

Love yourself!

NB. You only get this because you're on my subscription list or you're on my website. (One of the many benefits of subscribing)

Every bullying situation is different and a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach can tailor how you deal with your bully with you, in a way that empowers you and in a way that you can action.

Subscribe to the plethora of content we have in store for you at the bottom of the home page. Click our logo to get you to the home page.

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Michael Franklin is a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach, utilizing elements from the worlds of Acting, Psychology and Body Language to help sufferers of the effects of bullying develop the skills needed to rid themselves of their bully problem.

Seeking the company of sufferers.

The other day, I was scanning through a post, as I often do, in people-against-bullying groups when I came across a post that read something like:

"I got bullied again",

or

"The bullying started up again. These people won't leave me alone".

And then I saw the usual flurry of sympathetic reach-outs by respondents, sharing how bad things have been for them, the responders, and a conversation ensues.

As humans, when in pain, we seek the company of others who are going through the same thing. It makes us feel less alone. And sometimes we even get good tips as to how to handle the problem.

But tips don't always solve the problem. In fact rarely do people who are getting bullied, solve a problem by tips alone.

Everyone is different and everyone's bully is different. So just because something worked for one person, it doesn't work for another person, unless the first person coached them exactly how they did it, and what steps should follow the first steps.

This has often been of some interest to me. If I have an illness (let's say it's a physical illness), do I go to a Doctor who can help me kill the bug as quickly as possible, or do I go and sit next to someone who has the illness, is living with it daily, is struggling with it, and hasn't found a solution?

Most people would go for the quicker solution. Because there's no shame in admitting that you have a physical ailment.

So what gets in our way when we're dealing with another human being who is robbing us of our power, our joy, our happiness, our reason for being?

Ego!

Yes, our Ego gets in the way!

"Well, I should be able to deal with this. He's not so tough." Or "I can be as tough as him, I just need more time", or "I'll show her when...", you can fill in the blanks...when...

The fact is for some of you that 'when' hasn't come in a very long time.

And you've been too busy dealing with this bully, to admit to yourself, that you don't have the skills to deal with them. Otherwise you would have.

You sink into a deep lethargy, and sense of apathy. Because you've been drained of your power, your joy, your mirth. Not only drained, but drained for such a long time, that you honestly don't remember when it was the last time that you laughed.

• Laughter is important!

• Hope is important!

• Ambition is important!

Many of these gifts take a back seat when we're dealing with a constant struggle that we have to fight off.

I know. I had to deal with these problems as a teenager. They continued into adulthood. You forget how to have fun. And when your friends are going out, you don't want to join them. They keep asking you...until one day they stop asking, because they know what your answer's gonna be. And you stop getting asked. Loneliness then sets in.

If you've read this and you have experienced many of these things, I want you to ask yourself a question:

<<How long has it been since I last laughed?>>

I actually have another question for you.

<<Do I deserve better than this?>>

Now if your answer is No, you've been dealing with this problem for so long that you've become numb to the history of what started this, and what remains is just the remnants of a version of you that no longer remembers the happier times.

If you answered Yes, then there's a fighting spirit left in you. And perhaps you don't know how to go about fighting for your happiness, but you know that you deserve better.

Whatever you answered, I'd like you to consider, what would happen if you let go of your Ego. If you stopped fighting to be a proud person, and just surrender to the person in you that is just Good. Surrender to your essence. To the person that you are without your Ego.

What does that look like?

How does it feel?

Do you feel the freedom?

Today is the first day of the rest of your life!

You can live it anyway you like. You can go to the Doctor and get help fighting the bug. You can go and sit with a patient and keep each other company in a shared problem.

But if you deserve better, the Doctor is the way to go. Delaying the solution is the workings of the Devil of Ego!

NB. You only get this because you're on my subscription list or you're on my website. (One of the many benefits of subscribing)

Every bullying situation is different and a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach can tailor how you deal with your bully with you, in a way that empowers you and in a way that you can action.

Subscribe to the plethora of content we have in store for you at the bottom of the home page. Click our logo to get you to the home page.

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Michael Franklin is a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach, utilizing elements from the worlds of Acting, Psychology and Body Language to help sufferers of the effects of bullying develop the skills needed to rid themselves of their bully problem.

The Worst Kind of Bullying

If you've ever had a bully share their opinion about you, you know how painful that can be. They might say things like: "You're ugly", "You're short", "You're worthless", "You stink", etc.

Or in a corporate setting, "You're lazy", "You're constantly late", "You were disrespectful to someone" (when you weren't), or other accusations as a way to put you on the back foot. These tactics can really hurt, and make us afraid of potential consequences.

If they follow that up with kicks, punches, laughing at us or spreading gossip, it adds fuel to the fire. When their friends start laughing at us and repeating what the bully said, and we're ostracized or excluded, it can become unbearable.

When a group of people say something about us repeatedly, some of us start believing that's the truth. And that leads to the worst kind of bullying Want to learn more? Watch our next video on When we become our own bully.

This video will give you a little food for thought. Check it out by clicking on the image.

FYI: These videos are designed as bite-size clips as part of a Video Series. They make more sense when you watch the videos that come before and after. (This is video 15 in the series).

NB. You only get this because you're on my subscription list or you're on my website. (One of the many benefits of subscribing)

Click the image below to watch today's video.

Every bullying situation is different and a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach can tailor how you deal with your bully with you, in a way that empowers you and in a way that you can action.

Empowering you to get your life back!

Subscribe to the plethora of content we have in store for you at the bottom of the home page. Click our logo to get you to the home page.

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Michael Franklin is a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach, utilizing elements from the worlds of Acting, Psychology and Body Language to help sufferers of the effects of bullying develop the skills needed to rid themselves of their bully problem.