Failure, Comparison, Acceptance and Bullying!
I'd like to start by talking to you about failure. At least what we call failure in our own minds, or what we believe other people's definition would be of a failure.
Many times we forget that we're on our own learning path. It's a fact that we learn different lessons at different times to other people.
So while some people have already learned the lesson we're currently learning, those same people may not have learned the lessons we've mastered years ago.
So with the understanding that we're all on our own path, spiritually, mentally, our physical development, our emotional development, our ethics, our morals, our vulnerability, the list goes on and on, there's something we're all guilty of and that is...
Comparing ourselves with others. Comparing our achievements with others, comparing our street cred with others, comparing our finances with others, comparing the quality of our friends with others, right down to comparing the dishes in our kitchen with others, and this list goes on and on too.
If we can accept that we’re on different paths…
If we can 'accept', yes ACCEPT that we're on different paths, that we value different things to others deep down, and what motivates others does not motivate us to the same degree, then the whole concept of comparison becomes a pointless exercise.
I've often seen school to be the place where this comparison journey begins. And this is just because our society hasn't developed enough to realize that comparison sets all but the very people to whom we're being compared on a path for feeling inadequate, for feeling like we're failing or have failed. But I'll go further than that. It doesn't help the people we are being compared to either, if they feel untouchable, invincible, unbreakable, arrogant and therefore unable to grow in areas where they have room for growth.
This often happens to people who are successful in one area, and others treat them as if they are successful PERIOD!
Take the adoration some movie stars receive. Or Sports stars. When these people let it go to their heads that they are something other than what they are, the door to their development gets shut a little further. Conversely, when things are not going so well, and they're not receiving the adoration they were accustomed to, they start comparing themselves with the people who ARE getting all the accolades right now.
Many Hollywood starlets start looking into Botox or plastic surgery, because they begin to compare themselves physically to the young ingenue that is up and coming. And suddenly they don't feel attractive any more. They might be more attractive than their younger years right now, but if they don't see that when they look into a mirror, that's the Devil of comparison at work!
So the whole thing comes back to accepting the place we are, in our journey, and accepting that we are on different journeys.
Imagine the street punks that pull up beside you at the traffic lights wanting to race you. But you're not going where they're going. Your journey has a different starting point and more likely different destination. It just happens that at some point in the middle of your journey you cross paths with these persons at a stop light.
The need to race is about where the street punks are at on their current path. When you have no such need to race, because it's not, or no longer your path, 'accepting' where you are is a sign of maturity, of growth, of self acceptance and of self love. And accepting to race means you cannot win. If you lose the race, you'll feel badly about yourself for having lost that race. And if you win, it wasn't something you were looking for. It wasn't something that was important to you. So what did you actually win, if it brought you nothing but a momentary stroke of your Ego? No, you actually lost yourself to your Ego momentarily.
Who is in charge? You or your Ego?
Some people spend many years on this Earth, learning that lesson!
Returning to the topic of school as the place this begins, many people say "Well, they have had the same time you've had. The conditions are exactly the same for this person as it is for you. Therefore if they can do it, you can do it!"
"What a load of Codswallop!"
...I've always felt. Some people learn better visually, some learn better via auditory techniques, some learn better in applied settings such as on a school trip, others learn by reading. Some people have confidence issues which puts them on a different footing than those for whom confidence in a particular subject is not an issue; some people's parents talk about that subject giving their children an advantage as the subject is a frequent topic of discussion at home. For others it's the furthest thing from their reality. So conditions are seldom, if ever equal.
Yes, it's good to compete and surprise yourself and see what you can do when you apply yourself. But if you compete and look at your performance as a failure, that is a sign of comparison. The failure is only a failure depending on what you're comparing it to.
So how does this come into play with bullying?
I think you'll see where I'm going with this. Your bully is on their path. You're on your path. Your bully sees it as a sign of weakness, or cowardice that you're not on their path. They want to force you to recognize the importance of wanting what they want in some instances, or playing the game they're playing, or something being as meaningful to you as it is to them.
But it isn't! Because you're on different paths.
The person who recognizes and accepts that, is not troubled by a bully who tries to force the issue of comparison on them. Their Ego isn't excitable by words of daring, comparison, or challenges, or by fear of name-calling.
Next time you start to approval-seek, ask yourself this question:
Am I accepting my own journey?
And if you believe the answer is Yes, test it further.
How much is the person whose approval you're seeking, succeeding in getting you to compare yourself with something, or someone?
Love yourself!
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Michael Franklin is a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach, utilizing elements from the worlds of Acting, Psychology and Body Language to help sufferers of the effects of bullying develop the skills needed to rid themselves of their bully problem.
