Saying it without ‘saying it’ to the bully!
Today I'd like to talk about some of the advice that is given about bullying, in terms of "Say this" or "Don't say that!"
Being an advocate of Body Language, I'm going to talk about why Body Language within a bully dynamic is going to be more advantageous on far more occasions than words.
I'm not devaluing the spoken word. It has its place. But, sometimes the fewer words spoken within a bully dynamic, the better. I'll provide examples and reasons below.
Firstly let's talk some statistics.
The 2 ways of communication are:
Verbal
Non-verbal
Verbal is obviously what you say. I’m including tone.
Non-verbal covers your body language.
Psychology professor Albert Mehrabian, noted that
7% of communication occurs through the spoken word,
38% through tone of voice, and
55% through body language.
So that means 45% of communication is through verbal/tonal means and 55% of communication is through physicality.
Let's have some fun with this with some examples.
The Jungle
I'd like to invite you to consider what happens when you come across a wild animal in the jungle. Do you speak to it knowing it won't understand you? Or do you communicate non-verbally?
The chances are that if you speak to it showing no fear, it picks up on your non-verbal communication. Not on your words. But it might pick up on your tones.
Just like we don't understand what a bark of a dog means, but we understand the growl (think tone) and the look in its eyes (body language), or the way a cat's tail goes up when it's about to attack or when it feels threatened (body language).
As human animals, regardless of our culture, our spoken language, we do recognize body language, to a greater or lesser extent.
The Apartment Building Parking Lot
I'll share with you a story that happened to an old colleague. He was the Manager of an apartment building. One evening walking through the parking lot he came across a guy who had jumped the fence into the private tenants parking lot and was about to break into a car. This manager, saw what was about to happen and he shouted out: "Hey, get away from there!", The thief, determined, pulled out a knife.
The manager who had a gun in his pocket put his hand inside his pocket and reached for the gun without pulling it out.
As the thief approached him with his knife he began to notice that not only was the Manager (to him some random man) not afraid, but he was also smiling. He noticed the manager's hand in his coat pocket. And started to put two and two together and decided, that getting closer was not in his best interest. So he took off.
Did the manager need to say any more when confronted with the thief? Clearly, no.
Let’s ask a question you might be asking. The Manager had a gun. So he had the upper hand. That’s why he prevailed. But let me ask you this. If the Manager had pretended he had a gun, and still acted the same way, would the thief have risked possibly getting shot?
“Friends”
Let's give you another example:
Have you seen the episode of "Friends" where Chandler has a room-mate called Eddie?
Do you notice when Eddie accuses Chandler of being intimate with his ex-girlfriend and Chandler defends himself by saying how ridiculous it all is and puts his hand on Eddie's shoulder?
What does Eddie do? He looks at Chandler's hand on his shoulder. That look tells Chandler all he needs to know and he removes his hand from Eddie’s shoulder.
Let's ask a different question. Was Eddie's look more powerful, or would it have been more powerful for him to say "Get your hand off my shoulder?"
The fact is that when dealing with bullies we can convey a great deal without saying a word to them. And often times, this is more powerful than words which may come out trembling in the face of fear or anger.
…But furthermore, the bully doesn't know what you're thinking.
"Why is he/she being so quiet? What are they thinking?" would be their thought.
Not knowing what you're thinking (or planning to do next) puts the bully at a disadvantage.
What if you learned how to effectively communicate non-verbally with your bully?
In a workplace environment, standing up to your bully verbally may come across as insubordinate, if the bully is your boss.
Whether the bully is your boss or not, it will come across as something of a challenge to the bully when you say things verbally. And if this is overheard by bystanders, the bully now has to take action because you made them feel small, or you challenged them.
Bystanders who have to testify as to what happened will say something like, you exacerbated the situation when you said …X… to the bully. Or you threw fuel on the fire by saying that. Or you shouldn't have said that, so, it's your fault that things got escalated.
Now what will bystanders say when you communicate what you need with a simple look?
"Erm, well he didn't really say anything. He just stood there!" or,
"She ignored her"
Don't worry the bully knows you didn't ignore her, because you communicated it effectively. But because you didn't say anything, it lessens the need for the bully to take action. They didn't come off badly (in the eyes of bystanders), you made your point and you didn’t compel the bully to take any further action to save face. So they took no further action.
That's a win for the person getting bullied.
You stopped the bully!
Want to get really good at communicating non-verbally?
Drop me a line through the email at the top of this page and let's get you started on the journey. (In case you're wondering, this is something I taught in my Acting classes for many years to Professional Actors who continue to use it to good effect in roles.) It works in Acting, because it works in life.
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Every bullying situation is different and a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach can tailor how you deal with your bully with you, in a way that empowers you and in a way that you can action.
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Michael Franklin is a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach, utilizing elements from the worlds of Acting, Psychology and Body Language to help sufferers of the effects of bullying develop the skills needed to rid themselves of their bully problem.
