On Responding to physical bullying
Recently, I've come across articles penned by authors saying you should hit first if you feel you're about to get hit, or if you get hit you should decimate the person who hit you. (Not literally, but hurt them so badly that they'll never think about doing this to you again!) And this is advice given in an article or blog.
I think there's a danger with such advice in that each situation is different. And different situations merit their own remedies.
You could have a young person who is getting bullied at school by gang members. And the young person reads the advice that they should hit before they're about to be hit. And after doing so, the gang member, shocked and embarrassed in front of his friends, pulls out a gun and shoots the person. And that's the end of that young person's life. That's not a victory for the young person! They're dead!
Equally you could have a person who is being tested by the bully. The bully hasn't taken it to the level of physical violence. Only threats of physical violence. And the target of the bullying strikes first, and next thing you know, the target is accused, because they started the fight, it was they who threw the first punch, and now the target is suffering the consequences of starting it. The bully just won!
Bullying is not about who flexes the biggest muscles. Bullying isn't about fighting. Bullying is about power!
The toughest person in the school doesn't have the greatest power. The biggest bully in the company may not be the CEO (the person with the greatest power), the office bully who frightens all of her colleagues may not be the supervisor, the biggest bully in the prison may not be the warden. So let's get away from the notion that bullying is about who is toughest.
Bullying is about the person who wants or claims your power. The bully usually wants power because they are insecure in their own power. So taking your power (momentarily) makes them feel powerful. So beating up your bully to within an inch of their life, does not tell people you have power. It spells that you're afraid. You're so afraid that you had to make an example out of the bully. In a way that shows others that you're as insecure in your power as the bully is.
The person who has true power, does not need to destroy their bully. They can respond to violence with violence in so far as defending themselves. They can make the bully look stupid outside of the physical realm through their behaviour and what they do psychologically in a clever way.
Beating up a bully badly just means the bully will find a way to retaliate. They'll get a bunch of their friends and come around your house and set it on fire, etc. There are many ways that a person whom you have wronged can retaliate. And starting a cycle of escalation is one of the many dangers that can come about by over-responding to physical violence.
So what's the solution?
The solution is developing your inner power. I've fended off bullies who threatened me with physical violence on many occasions without raising a finger towards them, while making it clear that I am more than capable of dealing with them physically. I've made them ineffectual through strategies I employ to deal with bullies effectively.
One such strategy is to read what the bully is doing. In many cases I can read them better than the bully's own level of awareness. You have heard the expression "The Truth Shall set you free". Telling bullies the truth of what they're doing, is something they cannot deny! Even if they deny it to you at the time, the truth-meter in their body tells them it's undeniable. And they won't be able to deny it organically.
I then apply a multi-strategy approach that makes the bully realize that if they take it 'there' with me, it won't be in their interest. In other words they will have more to lose than what they think they will gain if they go there. And this works with people who are physically stronger, better fighters, etc.
I want to mention something else. You won't beat a better fighter (if they happen to be the person who is physically bullying you). When you try, you're playing in their area of strength. You're playing their game, in their arena, with their rules. You're playing where they're the expert and you're a novice. And they will win! So hitting a bully doesn't always work. And those who advocate that have not been beaten up severely enough to know the pitfalls of giving such advice.
Bullying being a repeated event, you don't want to play in the bully's arena. When you do, you lose every time.
I coach victims on how to deal with bullies effectively based on many markers.
* Where the victim is
* Where the bully is
* Where the relationship is.
(* By where I don't mean the location. By 'where' I mean the level of competency in relation to the skill-level being sought after, or needed, the history, the actions taken to-date, the take-aways to-date, and many other markers).
If you need to get this area of your life handled, you can contact me via the truthinemotion.com website.
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Every bullying situation is different and a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach can tailor how you deal with your bully with you, in a way that empowers you and in a way that you can action.
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Michael Franklin is a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach, utilizing elements from the worlds of Acting, Psychology and Body Language to help sufferers of the effects of bullying develop the skills needed to rid themselves of their bully problem.
