Confidence in the presence of Fear
Have you ever been so afraid of something, you've actually frozen on the spot?
In today's video we look at how people with certain jobs face fear regularly, and deal with them.
How do they deal with them? Is it that they are certain types of people, or is it that they have certain habits, which anyone can learn?
Check it out below.
Have you ever been so afraid of something, you've actually frozen on the spot?
In today's video we look at how people with certain jobs face fear regularly, and deal with them.
How do they deal with them? Is it that they are certain types of people, or is it that they have certain habits, which anyone can learn?
This video will give you a little food for thought. Check it out by clicking on the image.
FYI: These videos are designed as bite-size clips as part of a Video Series. They make more sense when you watch the videos that come before and after.
NB. You only get this because you're on my subscription list or you're on my website. (One of the many benefits of subscribing)
Click the image below to watch today's video.
Every bullying situation is different and a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach can tailor how you deal with your bully with you, in a way that empowers you and in a way that you can action.
Empowering you to get your life back!
Subscribe to the plethora of content we have in store for you at the bottom of the home page. Click our logo to get you to the home page.
Michael Franklin is a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach, utilizing elements from the worlds of Acting, Psychology and Body Language to help sufferers of the effects of bullying develop the skills needed to rid themselves of their bully problem.
Saying it without ‘saying it’ to the bully!
It isn’t about what you say to the bully!
In this article I discuss the different methods of communication and discuss the merits of why body language can prove more effective, more often than people would think, when dealing within a bully dynamic.
Today I'd like to talk about some of the advice that is given about bullying, in terms of "Say this" or "Don't say that!"
Being an advocate of Body Language, I'm going to talk about why Body Language within a bully dynamic is going to be more advantageous on far more occasions than words.
I'm not devaluing the spoken word. It has its place. But, sometimes the fewer words spoken within a bully dynamic, the better. I'll provide examples and reasons below.
Firstly let's talk some statistics.
The 2 ways of communication are:
Verbal
Non-verbal
Verbal is obviously what you say. I’m including tone.
Non-verbal covers your body language.
Psychology professor Albert Mehrabian, noted that
7% of communication occurs through the spoken word,
38% through tone of voice, and
55% through body language.
So that means 45% of communication is through verbal/tonal means and 55% of communication is through physicality.
Let's have some fun with this with some examples.
The Jungle
I'd like to invite you to consider what happens when you come across a wild animal in the jungle. Do you speak to it knowing it won't understand you? Or do you communicate non-verbally?
The chances are that if you speak to it showing no fear, it picks up on your non-verbal communication. Not on your words. But it might pick up on your tones.
Just like we don't understand what a bark of a dog means, but we understand the growl (think tone) and the look in its eyes (body language), or the way a cat's tail goes up when it's about to attack or when it feels threatened (body language).
As human animals, regardless of our culture, our spoken language, we do recognize body language, to a greater or lesser extent.
The Apartment Building Parking Lot
I'll share with you a story that happened to an old colleague. He was the Manager of an apartment building. One evening walking through the parking lot he came across a guy who had jumped the fence into the private tenants parking lot and was about to break into a car. This manager, saw what was about to happen and he shouted out: "Hey, get away from there!", The thief, determined, pulled out a knife.
The manager who had a gun in his pocket put his hand inside his pocket and reached for the gun without pulling it out.
As the thief approached him with his knife he began to notice that not only was the Manager (to him some random man) not afraid, but he was also smiling. He noticed the manager's hand in his coat pocket. And started to put two and two together and decided, that getting closer was not in his best interest. So he took off.
Did the manager need to say any more when confronted with the thief? Clearly, no.
Let’s ask a question you might be asking. The Manager had a gun. So he had the upper hand. That’s why he prevailed. But let me ask you this. If the Manager had pretended he had a gun, and still acted the same way, would the thief have risked possibly getting shot?
“Friends”
Let's give you another example:
Have you seen the episode of "Friends" where Chandler has a room-mate called Eddie?
Do you notice when Eddie accuses Chandler of being intimate with his ex-girlfriend and Chandler defends himself by saying how ridiculous it all is and puts his hand on Eddie's shoulder?
What does Eddie do? He looks at Chandler's hand on his shoulder. That look tells Chandler all he needs to know and he removes his hand from Eddie’s shoulder.
Let's ask a different question. Was Eddie's look more powerful, or would it have been more powerful for him to say "Get your hand off my shoulder?"
The fact is that when dealing with bullies we can convey a great deal without saying a word to them. And often times, this is more powerful than words which may come out trembling in the face of fear or anger.
…But furthermore, the bully doesn't know what you're thinking.
"Why is he/she being so quiet? What are they thinking?" would be their thought.
Not knowing what you're thinking (or planning to do next) puts the bully at a disadvantage.
What if you learned how to effectively communicate non-verbally with your bully?
In a workplace environment, standing up to your bully verbally may come across as insubordinate, if the bully is your boss.
Whether the bully is your boss or not, it will come across as something of a challenge to the bully when you say things verbally. And if this is overheard by bystanders, the bully now has to take action because you made them feel small, or you challenged them.
Bystanders who have to testify as to what happened will say something like, you exacerbated the situation when you said …X… to the bully. Or you threw fuel on the fire by saying that. Or you shouldn't have said that, so, it's your fault that things got escalated.
Now what will bystanders say when you communicate what you need with a simple look?
"Erm, well he didn't really say anything. He just stood there!" or,
"She ignored her"
Don't worry the bully knows you didn't ignore her, because you communicated it effectively. But because you didn't say anything, it lessens the need for the bully to take action. They didn't come off badly (in the eyes of bystanders), you made your point and you didn’t compel the bully to take any further action to save face. So they took no further action.
That's a win for the person getting bullied.
You stopped the bully!
Want to get really good at communicating non-verbally?
Drop me a line through the email at the top of this page and let's get you started on the journey. (In case you're wondering, this is something I taught in my Acting classes for many years to Professional Actors who continue to use it to good effect in roles.) It works in Acting, because it works in life.
NB. You only get this because you're on my subscription list or you're on my website. (One of the many benefits of subscribing)
Every bullying situation is different and a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach can tailor how you deal with your bully with you, in a way that empowers you and in a way that you can action.
Subscribe to the plethora of content we have in store for you at the bottom of the home page. Click our logo to get you to the home page.
Michael Franklin is a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach, utilizing elements from the worlds of Acting, Psychology and Body Language to help sufferers of the effects of bullying develop the skills needed to rid themselves of their bully problem.
On Responding to physical bullying
On Responding to Physical bullying.
Recently, I've come across articles penned by authors saying you should hit first if you feel you're about to get hit, or if you get hit you should decimate the person who hit you. (Not literally, but hurt them so badly that they'll never think about doing this to you again!) Is this good advice? Are there dangers inherent in giving advice like this to those who may use it without thinking about its potential consequences? Read the article below.
Recently, I've come across articles penned by authors saying you should hit first if you feel you're about to get hit, or if you get hit you should decimate the person who hit you. (Not literally, but hurt them so badly that they'll never think about doing this to you again!) And this is advice given in an article or blog.
I think there's a danger with such advice in that each situation is different. And different situations merit their own remedies.
You could have a young person who is getting bullied at school by gang members. And the young person reads the advice that they should hit before they're about to be hit. And after doing so, the gang member, shocked and embarrassed in front of his friends, pulls out a gun and shoots the person. And that's the end of that young person's life. That's not a victory for the young person! They're dead!
Equally you could have a person who is being tested by the bully. The bully hasn't taken it to the level of physical violence. Only threats of physical violence. And the target of the bullying strikes first, and next thing you know, the target is accused, because they started the fight, it was they who threw the first punch, and now the target is suffering the consequences of starting it. The bully just won!
Bullying is not about who flexes the biggest muscles. Bullying isn't about fighting. Bullying is about power!
The toughest person in the school doesn't have the greatest power. The biggest bully in the company may not be the CEO (the person with the greatest power), the office bully who frightens all of her colleagues may not be the supervisor, the biggest bully in the prison may not be the warden. So let's get away from the notion that bullying is about who is toughest.
Bullying is about the person who wants or claims your power. The bully usually wants power because they are insecure in their own power. So taking your power (momentarily) makes them feel powerful. So beating up your bully to within an inch of their life, does not tell people you have power. It spells that you're afraid. You're so afraid that you had to make an example out of the bully. In a way that shows others that you're as insecure in your power as the bully is.
The person who has true power, does not need to destroy their bully. They can respond to violence with violence in so far as defending themselves. They can make the bully look stupid outside of the physical realm through their behaviour and what they do psychologically in a clever way.
Beating up a bully badly just means the bully will find a way to retaliate. They'll get a bunch of their friends and come around your house and set it on fire, etc. There are many ways that a person whom you have wronged can retaliate. And starting a cycle of escalation is one of the many dangers that can come about by over-responding to physical violence.
So what's the solution?
The solution is developing your inner power. I've fended off bullies who threatened me with physical violence on many occasions without raising a finger towards them, while making it clear that I am more than capable of dealing with them physically. I've made them ineffectual through strategies I employ to deal with bullies effectively.
One such strategy is to read what the bully is doing. In many cases I can read them better than the bully's own level of awareness. You have heard the expression "The Truth Shall set you free". Telling bullies the truth of what they're doing, is something they cannot deny! Even if they deny it to you at the time, the truth-meter in their body tells them it's undeniable. And they won't be able to deny it organically.
I then apply a multi-strategy approach that makes the bully realize that if they take it 'there' with me, it won't be in their interest. In other words they will have more to lose than what they think they will gain if they go there. And this works with people who are physically stronger, better fighters, etc.
I want to mention something else. You won't beat a better fighter (if they happen to be the person who is physically bullying you). When you try, you're playing in their area of strength. You're playing their game, in their arena, with their rules. You're playing where they're the expert and you're a novice. And they will win! So hitting a bully doesn't always work. And those who advocate that have not been beaten up severely enough to know the pitfalls of giving such advice.
Bullying being a repeated event, you don't want to play in the bully's arena. When you do, you lose every time.
I coach victims on how to deal with bullies effectively based on many markers.
* Where the victim is
* Where the bully is
* Where the relationship is.
(* By where I don't mean the location. By 'where' I mean the level of competency in relation to the skill-level being sought after, or needed, the history, the actions taken to-date, the take-aways to-date, and many other markers).
If you need to get this area of your life handled, you can contact me via the truthinemotion.com website.
NB. You only get this because you're on my subscription list or you're on my website. (One of the many benefits of subscribing)
Every bullying situation is different and a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach can tailor how you deal with your bully with you, in a way that empowers you and in a way that you can action.
Subscribe to the plethora of content we have in store for you at the bottom of the home page.
Click our logo to get you to the home page.
Michael Franklin is a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach, utilizing elements from the worlds of Acting, Psychology and Body Language to help sufferers of the effects of bullying develop the skills needed to rid themselves of their bully problem.
Losing the fear!
Ahh Losing the fear!!!
What if I were to tell you that you don't actually want to lose the fear?
Today's video goes into it at length, and says it far more eloquently than words alone.
Check it out below.
Ahh Losing the fear!!!
What if I were to tell you that you don't actually want to lose the fear?
Today's video goes into it at length, and says it far more eloquently than words alone.
This video talks about fear in the context of a bullying situation. Is it good? Is it bad? How much fear is the right amount? It's meant to get you thinking so you can do your own research.
NB. You only get this because you're on my subscription list or you're on my website. (One of the many benefits of subscribing)
Click the image below to watch today's video.
Every bullying situation is different and a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach can tailor how you deal with your bully with you, in a way that empowers you and in a way that you can action.
Empowering you to get your life back!
Subscribe to the plethora of content we have in store for you at the bottom of the home page. Click our logo to get you to the home page.
Michael Franklin is a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach, utilizing elements from the worlds of Acting, Psychology and Body Language to help sufferers of the effects of bullying develop the skills needed to rid themselves of their bully problem.
Dealing with the bully yourself!
Electing to deal with the bully yourself is not an easy decision. For some, just reading this makes you want to stop reading.
But I implore you to keep reading because the rewards are many if you decide to deal with them yourself.
If bullying is a power dynamic, which I hope you’ll agree with me that it is, dealing with the bully yourself is empowering…
If you've elected to deal with the bully yourself, but don't know how, there are a few considerations worth bearing in mind.
Firstly, hopefully the bully is just one person or entity and you're not taking on an entire gang or army of bullies. That would be a good case for seeking additional assistance.
There are essentially 4 things you need to do when you decide to take on the bully yourself. I will give you one of them here. For the other 3, I encourage you to join one of my programs, where you'll get a complete package of how to deal with your bully, psychological, tactical, skill-based, sociological.
NB. You only get this because you're on my subscription list or you're on my website. (One of the many benefits of subscribing)
So the first one is to make the bully aware that there are consequences. A lot of bullies like to think that they can get away with their actions with impunity and nothing will happen to them. Making them aware (and I will show you how to do this the right way), is a very powerful deterrent. And combined with the other three will definitely give them pause.
Click the image below to watch today's video.
Every bullying situation is different and a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach can tailor how you deal with your bully with you, in a way that empowers you and in a way that you can action.
Empowering you to get your life back!
Subscribe to the plethora of content we have in store for you at the bottom of the home page. Click our logo to get you to the home page.
Michael Franklin is a Specialist Anti-Bullying Coach, utilizing elements from the worlds of Acting, Psychology and Body Language to help sufferers of the effects of bullying develop the skills needed to rid themselves of their bully problem.